So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
