dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
