If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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