did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
