Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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