it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
