his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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