cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
