I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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