I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
