Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
