i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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