I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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