The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
