friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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