If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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