Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
