just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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