saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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