Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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