for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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