you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
