We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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