the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
