craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
