shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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