new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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