not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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