I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
