In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
