Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
