I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
