if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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