Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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