He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
