Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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