I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
