Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my shit smells like andre
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
