All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
