Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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