we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
