I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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