this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
