false alarm. still invincible.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
