we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
This house was built for laser tag.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
