ya dads aren't the best wingmen
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
