i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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