Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
love makes seman taste better
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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