oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
