Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
