She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
