Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
