A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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