i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
