Pregnant stripper...not hot.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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