Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You have to summon your inner elephant
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
