Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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