Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
