He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
