He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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