My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
