My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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